At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
