I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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