I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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