Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
