Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
