I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
