have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
