does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Floor bacon is actually really good
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
