I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
