My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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