You're my little dorito
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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