Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just want nice things and good sex
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
