4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
