I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
