The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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