I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
