good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He kissed a someone with a penis
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
