It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Randomize