I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
