i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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