i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
a search helicopter?!
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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