Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
this beer tastes like vomit already
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
