The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
