Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
