Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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