i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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