He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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