i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
