He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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