I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize