just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
