Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
