toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
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