Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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