I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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