every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize