I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Watching her eat just hurts me
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
