oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize