I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
