i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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