Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
