i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize