Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
