Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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