my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
