I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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