what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
