I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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