1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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