I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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