mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
