I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
