I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
