the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
