as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
