i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
