she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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